


15 People You'll Interview This Month

by Anonymous



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Corporate, Gen, Humor, Take Your Fandom to Work Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-05 00:39:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14605377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Or: an AU about that time a headhunter had to interview the Silicon Valley gang





	15 People You'll Interview This Month

**1\. Richard Hendricks**

He spends the whole interview twitching and picking at his cuticles. He accidentally insults recruiters in general and you in particular about five times each. You ask him how he got along with his former co-workers at his old place of employment. He retreats inside his hoodie and says that he'd rather not tell you. 

You are sure he has the technical expertise needed for the role, but my God, no client would hire him, he's too much of a ticking bomb. The following day, you call him to tell him he's been rejected. He's polite and quiet as he thanks you for your time. Then he sends you an incendiary email where he calls you a slut. 

Later you find out from a colleague that he started his own company, but that it imploded six months later because he threw a tantrum in front of his main investor. 

Bullet dodged.

 

**2\. Carla Walton**

At first she's distrustful, but after you make some strategic remarks about how much (other) headhunters suck, she warms up to you. She has experience working on some really interesting projects, and the interview runs long because you use this as an opportunity to learn more about the tech she works with. 

When it comes to negotiating her salary, she's assertive and firm. She still asks for much less money than she could. You bemoan how our society fucks women over and add 10% to her asking salary because #DirectAction. You successfully place her in one of your most startup-y clients. 

She leaves after six months because her manager is a prick. 

 

**3\. Bertram Gilfoyle**

You contact him on LinkedIn and tell him about the role. You have a strong sense that he hates you and what you stand for. You message back and forth for days as you try to get him to give you his phone number. He calls you by the wrong name several times. You suspect it’s a power move, so you make a point of not rising to the bait. 

Finally, after answering about two dozen of his questions, he gives you his phone number. You schedule a time for a phone call. 

He never picks up. 

After re-scheduling five times, he ghosts you. You are kind of relieved, really. You make a note in the database to never contact him again.

 

**4\. Action Jack Barker**

He applies to a Key Account Manager position. He's actually grossly overqualified for the job, but he's old enough to have been fucked over by the IT industry's ageism, so he'll happily settle for this role. 

During the interview he acts friendly and humble, but you get strong vibes that he's a manipulator and a snake oil salesman. In other words, he's exactly what the current CEO is looking for. You hire him. 

A year later he has replaced the CEO and is running the company into the ground in order to sell it to one of his friends at a fraction of its price. But he's given you two raises in six months so whatever, might as well ride this wave while it lasts.

 

**5\. Jian Yang**

You try to get the client to take a chance on him, but the client is fucking racist and doesn't want to hire someone with that accent. 

Fuck the client. 

(You kind of suspect he's a bit crazy tho.)

 

**6\. Dinesh Chugtai**

He thinks of himself as charming but he's really, really not. During the interview he makes several terrible jokes that you have to pretend to laugh at because this is your life now. However, he's very good about answering your e-mails and picking up the phone when you call him, which is enough to make you extra-committed to placing this guy. 

When he comes to the office to sign the contract he asks you out. It's very awkward for everyone involved. 

He works for your company for three months before accepting an offer from a rival company.

 

**7\. Monica Hall**

You are not qualified to interview this person. You're kind of in awe just reading her CV. You know she's way, way too good for this role. During the interview you're tongue-tied, in love, and dysphoric. In that order. 

You place her in one of your clients in the banking sector. Whenever you feel shitty about your recruiting game, you think about the time you managed to catch this beautiful purple squirrel. You immediately feel better.

 

**8\. Denpok Singh**

Everyone at the office keeps sharing the fake-deep bullshit this self-proclaimed 'Business and Wellness Guru' posts. You've blocked him on LinkedIn and on twitter but you still see his fucking posts. 

Fuck this guy.

 

**9\. Hoover**

He was the head of security at a big IT company. Now he applies to all your cybersecurity ads despite knowing nothing about technology. It's heartbreaking, but there really isn't anything you can do for the guy.

 

**10\. Erlich Bachman**

He worked for a big company ten years ago and he thinks that this makes him hot shit, but he hasn’t really done anything of worth lately. During the interview he's bombastic, dropping names and bragging about achievements you very much doubt are real.

As you are wrapping up, he confesses that he was never interested in the role, and that he only agreed to the interview as a 'networking opportunity'. You kind of want to strangle him, but later you find out that ever since that interview he's been talking you up to other people in the industry.

You make a point of liking all his LinkedIn posts.

 

**11\. Holden**

You have to find an intern for someone at the office. You post a job ad and get about 500 CVs. You relish the opportunity of interviewing someone who doesn't act like he's making you a favor just by showing up. He's a bit overeager - he calls you to inquire about the position every other day - but you would also be, in this economy. Eventually you hire him because he's plucky and always picks up the phone.

He's a good kid, but clueless, so you make a point of helping him out and mentoring him when you can. After four months he leaves for a better company. You're honestly happy for him. A year later he messages you asking for advice on how to switch careers. 

 

**12\. Nelson "Big Head" Bighetti**

He's the only IT guy at the tiny company where he has been working for five years, earning a shitty salary. You ask him whether he's active in the local Tech Scene. "Huh, not really". You ask him how he keeps himself up to date with the latest technologicy trends. "Oh, I kind of don't." 

You know he'd make an decent tech support guy, but you also know he's so comfortable at his current job, he'll turn down any offer you throw his way. You send his CV to the client anyway. 

He proves you right.

 

**13\. Russ Hanneman**

In LinkedIn he describes himself as a 'business disruptor'. His profile picture shows him at the wheel of a fancy car. He keeps sending you messages about these 'amazing business opportunities' that sound like pyramid schemes. 

You block him.

 

**14\. The Brogrammers**

These guys are your bread and butter. You’ve placed so many of them you barely remember all their names. But it’s okay, because you know most of them don’t remember your name, either.

 

**15\. Tara**

You get an opening for a graphic designer and you know those are easy to fill, so you jump into it. You post a job ad, get almost as many CVs as when you looked for an intern, and narrow it down to the three (3) people who actually have real working experience.

Her portfolio is kind of dark, kind of overdesigned, but you think she might be a good fit for the role. During the interview she’s bubbly and cute and you have the biggest fucking crush on her.

You send her CV to the client, and never hear back from them.

 

**BONUS: Donald “Jared” Dunn**

The account manager tells you that you need to find a Scrum Master willing to work for a ludicrously low amount of money. You protest and dig your heels in, but ultimately are powerless to resist it.

You post a job ad that prominently displays the salary range, just to make a point. Jared is the only person to apply to it. He's perfect for the role. His extremely long CV is formatted perfectly. He's even better at answering your phone calls and emails than Holden was. You keep wondering why the fuck someone as perfect as him is willing to work for a pittance... until you interview him and he tells you about the start-up he’s working for.

He talks cheerfully about how terribly his current boss is treating him. You're a little traumatised just hearing about the horrible working conditions and the unpaid overtime he's been doing. 

You have to rescue this guy.

You make him a job offer. He accepts it. 

Then two days later he sends you a long, emotional email. In it, he thanks you for the opportunity and tells you that he regrets to inform you that he can’t accept your offer. He had a meeting with his CEO, he says, and they promised him that they were finally, finally going to change. Jared can’t leave them now, he explains.

You can't even get mad at him tbh.

**Author's Note:**

> Any similarities to actual persons or places, alive or dead, real or fictitious, is merely coincidental and the product of a feverish imagination.
> 
> Sort of.


End file.
